Red Letters
by Ferryman
Summary: John recieves a Red Letter


Red Letters:

**Red Letters:**

A letter left by a dead comrade, which was referred to in Atlantis as Red Letters.

Sometimes they were left with someone to hand over in the event of their death, but they were always called Red Letters. Sometimes it referred to the blood that was spilled over their last words, sometimes it referred to their hearts that were spilled within those words.

_Hi John,_

_If you're reading this, then I'm dead. If I'm not dead, and I mean definitely dead, certified dead and not coming back via ancients or some other weird Pegasus Galaxy last minute reprieve – put this down now because if you read this when I'm alive… you will pay._

_Cold showers and locked doors and puddle jumpers that fail in mid air are just idle threats in comparison to what will happen. It will be painful._

_You have been warned. Do not read any further if I live._

_Damn, that means I'm really dead. Well, I hope it was painless and quick. I'm aware that this sounds like my inflated ego speaking but I know you are hurting. I wanted to leave something that I hope will ease the pain a little._

_The first time I met you was when you sat on the chair at Antarctica and it lit up. You're right, I was jealous. So, so jealous you wouldn't believe. I was never that close to Atlantis. I fixed her and kept her safe and yet I never knew her as you do. It was like she was the fifth member of our team and I cared for her as deeply as I did all of you._

_I should have hated you for that, let alone the rest. You wandered in, a glorified taxi driver and within minutes you were invited on the most prestigious project in history. Everyone loved you from day one. You're as confident as I was, and sure of yourself and just as cocky. And yet in you it was accepted, whilst I had to put up walls to stop the things people said about me from hurting too much._

_I thought you would be the same as all the rest. I was guilty of judging you as people judged me. It didn't take me long to find the real you but I want to apologise for ever thinking of you as less than you are. Here and now, knowing you can't wind me up for the rest of my life, I can admit that I wanted to be like you. I like to think I was getting there._

_You took the time to find me, behind all my walls. You made me your friend and I cannot express in words what your friendship has meant to me over our time together. You helped me to realise that in order to be accepted as you are, I had to let people see me and your friendship gave me the confidence to do that. I wish I could make you see how you helped me to become more than I was, more than I thought possible, more that I thought I could ever be._

_When you chose me as part of your team, I thought it was just for my mind. That as SGA1 you would obviously choose the scientist who was most experienced with Ancient technology. Choose the one who would be most likely to bring you home. To begin with I thought that was my only role, to fix things, a universal mobile mechanic._

_When we first ventured out, that's the role I played. As I became part of a team, my role within that team grew. At some point, I don't know when, the team didn't stop and start at the gate. We ate together, played together, talked together and healed together. Things that would have broken me before couldn't touch me now, because of you and Teyla and Ronon. It wasn't all heartache, when we were together we had some laughs along the way._

_Do you remember the shield? I'm smiling already just writing those words because of the memories that it brings. How many people do you think were jealous of you back then for being the one who got to throw me off the balcony and got to shoot me? Oh, do you remember Elizabeth's face? I think she thought I had pushed you too far that day._

_Elizabeth. It tears at me that she is out there alone, so far from home. One day you will find her and you have to believe that John, I know you will bring her home. I'm sorry I made you so angry by bringing the nanites back. But honestly, I'm glad I did it and I would do it again. At least she is alive; at least you have a chance of bringing her back. She may even survive us all._

_But I know that you feel I betrayed you in some way and I'm sorry for that. Sorry that I almost lost our friendship over that. You will have been given a disc with this letter. I have written a program. When you find her, this disc will make everything okay again. I only wish I could have been there to see it. It's my way of saying sorry to you. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Tell her I love her and miss her._

_Teyla holds a tea ceremony to remember her father each year. Anthosian custom says you're not supposed to be alone for the ceremony so I've been with her every year. Will you take my place? I feel better knowing she doesn't have to do that alone. You don't have to grieve alone either John. We are more than a team, we are family and you should trust Teyla and Ronon with your heart. You taught me that together we can overcome anything. Let Teyla and Ronon in John, for me, share your feelings with them and help them to heal you. It will make every thing easier. Besides, its my death wish so you can't refuse._

_Isn't Teyla amazing, so calm and collected. Always knows just what to say. She always forgave me everything. I love her so much, I love you all so very much. As I'm writing this I realise that you will be going through the gate without me and it worries me that I won't be there to keep you safe. You should train Zelenka. He is just as good with ancient technology as I am and I guess now I'm dead you can tell him I said that. He saved the day a few times and I think, if you show him the patience and trust that you showed me, he will work out fine._

_Ronon, how many times did I think that guy was going to kill me? First time I saw him I was hanging upside down in a tree. God knows what he thought but I don't think I gave a good first impression of us. He forgave me everything too. I don't think many people could have said the things I did and got away with it. I never figured out what he thought or why he continued to allow me to get away with the things I did. I always put it down to the fact we are family, you forgive family anything don't you._

_Jeannie & Maddie. I wish there could be another way but it has to be you who tells them John and for that I am so sorry. Keep an eye on them for me, keep them safe. Make sure Maddie gets the best things in life. Oh, and unless it's a science experiment don't show her how to blow things up!_

_I would like it if she could meet Teyla's child. I would like them to know each other. If Teyla's child takes after their mother then Maddie's life will be enriched by knowing them._

_I hope this helped on some level. Just to summarise; I am richer for knowing you and I can never express in words how much better you made my life, how much better you made me. I don't want to think that my death hurts you in anyway so please, please, please just get over it. Who knows, maybe the Ancients will realise that Atlantis can't get by without me and bring me back._

_If I am wrong, (which I doubt!!), and there is something after then I'll wait for all of you there, and if you get there too quickly I will make your afterlife hell for eternity._

_Take care John Sheppard and keep my city safe. Keep my family safe while I wait for you all._

_So long, and thanks for all the fish._

_Dr. Rodney McKay_

_Genius_

_PS: Oh, and John. Just so you know. We're good. Even in death we're okay, Flyboy._


End file.
